Stop, even for just a minute, and appreciate what you have... and what you might lose if you continue to ignore.

Patience and understanding-- something I oftentimes abuse. One can only take so much.
Just like that, my self-esteem sank to depths of the abyss. Thanks for making me feel worthless. :)

Haven't been updating this cyber journal often than expected. I could give you hundreds (weh) of reasons but bottom line is: I'm lazy. Always have been. Just got a lot worse.

Looking back, this blog served me well-- my only means of emotional outlet that kept insanity a good 50 feet away. And since the roller coaster years have passed, nakaginhawa na gihap nak blog.

The world is round, they say. And my current happiness may not have its steady ever-after. Until then, enjoy a rant-free and less update blog from me.

Oh, and a couple spur-of-the-moment entries may pop.
Please bear with me.



The ever lazy me,
Jean


P.S.
Had an awesome date night with Eloise, Juana, Vlad, and Makoy last night.

Haluuuuu 2012! We're still here, so I think the Mayan's were wrong-- or ran out of space to make calendars for next year.

My new year did not actually start off right or happy but I won't whine about that. There are a lot of people out there suffering more than I am-- unimaginable sadness. So instead of being too gloomy about things, let's make the most out of everything instead. Better me, better you. Who knows, maybe the apocalypse is just a month late. (Okay, that was nonsense right there.)

Before the year (2011) ended, I was very anxious about work stuff. I took almost 3 days of vacation leave for the holidays thinking we'll be able to finish a project before the deadline. Unfortunately, with too many edits and time zone issues, we finished the project on the 4th of January 2012. That was still 3 days early from deadline so I think we did fairly well. Actually, our boss and the client loved the result (o-ha!). Diri talaga siguro para ha akon it pagiging nars. I'm loving my job and the new things I'm learning. How many times have I been told by too many different people that I should have just taken a computer course instead? Oh well.

The project ended up with a celebration, thanks Ate May.

Another reason why my last few days of 2011 and first week of 2012 wasn't that happy: bf and his fam were celebrating the holidays in a place far far away. Heh. They kept asking me to go with them but I just can't be away from Papa on holidays especially that they (Papa & Mama) are celebrating birthdays. So yun, I had to endure weeks of being away from the bf.

January 3. They are scheduled to arrive at the DZR Airport at 6pm, but being the always delayed airline, 6 became 7pm. I was at the office playing DotA with team mates (I was still ON LEAVE! haha)to pass the time. I was hoping to see the bf that day. Naigbos la nga diri. Heh.

January 4. First day of work (for me) this 2012. I was feeling kinda sad that morning when I went to the office due to some reason I rather not share. The whole day I was feeling disappointed, I don't know why.

January 5...... Okay ginhuhubya naliwat ak pagtapos hini. Ugh.
Rain, naka unli ka? Diri ka pa maexpire? Pirmi nala ak ginhuhubya pagsulod ha trabaho tungod haim. -_-

Because I love Coldplay.

One more hour tas pasko na. One more hour tas birthday na ni Papa.
I am indeed happy.

It's just that.... I can't seem to enjoy the holidays because someone's not where he belongs. Chos.
Yesterday, we had our Tech Team dinner + videoke. Had one bottle of beer. I gave the plane ticket I printed out to bf, trying to hold it together. I wanted to tear that piece of paper, so selfish of me.

Today, woke up around past 8 in the morning and had to do last minute gift wrapping for the kids. Prepared fruit salad and spaghetti, went to office to work on something and pick up Papa's birthday cake. I had to keep myself busy.

Now, I have a headache. Wasn't able to attend the midnight mass tungod hini. And I think I made the bf upset with all my moping and hiding the pain.

But life doesn't stop nor end there. I will make this Christmas a merry one for me.
Happy birthday, Papa! I LOVE YOU! <3


P.S.
This is supposed to be a long post. I got loads of things on my mind right now.
Pero hinuhubya ako. So there, publishing this one as it is.

Ha! Why did the words of a sparkling bloodsucker got into me?

San-o daw la ak magmamaan? Ugh. Maybe having trust issues can be good sometimes-- like this whole time.

Re-sharing, from Litol Miss.

I've been wanting to post something up-- days and moments I want to share to the world (or kun hin-o man it nabasa hini) and every time I type, I just can't seem to complete the sentence. So drafts pile up (na naman). It's me being lazy or being busy, or being busy AND lazy.

November. Well hello there!
You've been so awesome and I hope the rest of your days will be just as wonderful.
Being a frequent house guest/overnighter at my second family's place all started on the 1st of November. Cloaking the silence by adding another person to share the place with. But the names and beautiful memories forever resound. I may not feel the same way they do, but it burdens my heart seeing them sad. Chos. But really. I miss the kids too.

I have the worst memory one could imagine so forgive me, I won't be able to go into details because my forever #fail mind could only remember so much.

Although I can tell you this: birthdays (Tatay, bf, me), christening, Manila trip, overnighters.

Pictures to be uploaded when this procrastination fades.

And though really all these moments are just in my head
I'll be thinking about them as I'm lying in bed
And I know that really it might not even come true
But in my mind I'm having a pretty good time with you.

Just when I was starting to feel comfortable, when things seem to be just fine, you had to leave. It feels like losing a dear friend, an awesome boss. You always have the right words to say, the intellect, the expertise. You are as impressive as your works are.

Nine months. You've been the highlight of my work too. I am proud to say I had the opportunity to work with such great talent-- with you. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us, for trusting me, for boosting my self-esteem when I just thought I lost it all. THANK YOU.

We shall meet again.
And we will dance to the beat once again.

See you.



Jean

The moment I felt my phone vibrated somewhere inside my bag, I knew I was in for some, uh, big trouble. No guessing was needed to find out who it was and why. Three in the morning and I was still not in my bed.

Series of unfortunate events. A warning was given: "Mag-istorya kita buwas hit aga!"
That kept me from going out of my bedroom door- the whole day today. I was wrong to think I was safe. Containing the things thrown to me by shouts was too difficult. Then I forgot how to go out of my room.

People need to learn how to appreciate, the psychology behind it and how a simple word of appreciation boosts someone's morale. People need to practice it more often. Maybe then we could finally live in a world close to perfect. Maybe then I wouldn't be this broken.



Ah shit. Haven't eaten the whole day. WTH.

It's like picking up what was broken- but not trying to fix it (because it's too much of a cliché!). You hit the room, slam the door shut, dive head-first to your bed, cuddle and feel the solitude in fetal position. Aaack, drama.

I was, again, reasoning with myself as I walk out of that door (and wishing it would be like those mushy movies where someone runs after you, not) whether I was wrong, insensitive, or just plain tactless. Oh, and I almost got ran over by a speeding bus. Talk about being careless.

Found every piece of what was left behind and tried to man up to it. Justin Timberlake, Y U KEEP singing Closing Time? And it's Semisonic, not Third Eye Blind. There, feeling a little better. I will sleep now.

Note to self: TRY to never again invite oneself into helping others. Wait for them to ask for it.

It's not who you want to spend Friday night with. It's who you want to spend all day Saturday with.
~Tommy

As of this moment, I crave for serenity. For peace of mind. For focus.
One task down. XX more to go. And I'm on my 7th hour already. How's that?

Weekend.
Raid Tanawan Adventure Race on its 5th year.
5 years of being a marshal. When will I step out and race, they ask. Oh well.

P.S.


I'm tired. Shift almost over. Will get this done/edited when I have the time.

OK so I did not have the time to actually finish this post (read: lazy). Things and days were moving too fast. I can't seem to find "focus". I'm getting tired of having to face the computer/laptop every minute, every day. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. It's just that, my eyes are already complaining. Bummer.

I had to take a day off (sick leave, they call it), away from any digital device, away from my "eye sore". Heaven. But then I had to go back to work.

Note to self: Save up for a pair of anti-glare eyeglass for less headache complaints.


Shout out to Justine. Miss you. Love you!

My heart's a stereo
It beats for you, so listen close
Hear my thoughts in every note.

Make me your radio
Turn me up when you feel low
This melody was meant for you
Just sing along to my stereo

Life, as they say, is always full of surprises. But then again, there are those predictable moments that you wish never existed in the first place.

Work.
Like a relationship sometimes may be, it's complicated. But feeling isolated never had a chance to float. There may have been those entities that serve as roadblocks, but there are a couple or more who are willing to take my back, and help me form my own spine. They may not know, for expressing to them my gratefulness I can't show, but I am and will be forever thankful. Never in my life did I felt APPRECIATED, until this.

Today I witnessed my mentor dropped a tear or two. And it broke my heart. I wish my hug could have done so much. I wish I could tell her things will be okay but then I would be lying. Now it made me realize (all over again) how easy it is to lose someone, how life could be very unfair and cruel.

They wished me all the best and hoped that I have made the best decision that they were not able to do.
I'm pretty sure I did.
But still, the thought sends chills down my spine.
What if it happens to me?

Drafts pile up as I try to construct a paragraph or two. It has been too long, yes?

Four months, and 3 days today to be exact. Quite an experience for a totally different work from the degree and title I've earned. Not a totally alien environment though. It's my home (now) away from home. And I'm learning. "Continuing education" eh?

Plastic mug with Taz embossed print half empty of coffee, earphones plugged (and not yet returned to owner! Lmao), the new monitor I'm staring at is now full of sticky notes, and the slim keyboard of Apple I'm very much in love with, all tasks done days early, and now I'm left yet again with the same dilemma: What to do?

One more hour and my pretention ends. HR is power tripping. This is not how it's supposed to be. This is not how stiff and strict the office should be (ours, anyway).


Am I in hell?
Room's too hot.
Stop thinking about yourself.
We're 9 more people, add as up and we can knock you down. :P

I only said it 'cause I mean it,
I only mean it 'cause it's true.
So don't you doubt what I've been dreaming,
'cause it fills me up and holds me close whenever I'm without you.

I had a moment to stop, listen to the music, and zap myself back to the time I first heard it. I've been randomly posting music and videos lately, lacking words to convey what I want to. I try to type but then I'd press backspace far too many times. My thoughts then end up as drafts.

Scattered thoughts. Scattered life.

No update. Nothing exciting or new happened, is happening, or will happen. :)
Making an entry because I don't know what else to do to kill time. In office atm, limited movement. 2 more hours. Ugh.

245 days and counting.

Honestly, I've already forgotten how it was a year ago.
Selective memory loss.
I dug a hole, threw the bitter days in, covered the pit and turned my back.
Going back to recall those unhappy days would be self-torture-- destructive.


Browsing through my archives, I'm still thankful I had those days. At least I can say I did what I could, even if it meant pushing down my pride and self-esteem, and now I'm happy. Perhaps.


And so I focus on happy times. You might as well do the same. :)